December 9, 2021 - When Depression Doesn’t Take a Holiday

Holidays for me mean those pesky vulnerable deep-seeded feelings cropping up because it represents traditions, family, places of the past.

Being away from home for the second year in a row is…gut-wrenching absolute emotional turmoil.

So, while I’m not yet on that festive spirit train just yet I am trying to be grateful.

For the family and friends far, far away I can message in an instant.

For the Home Kong chosen family who keeps me busy, distracted and wrapped in a unique kind of love and friendship only those who are continents away from home truly know and appreciate.

For my furbabies - permanent and temporary - who drive me insane but also add a variety to every day and that unconditional love on days when it’s so hard to just do the basic things because they’re part of my pack.

I’m trying to remind myself in the overwhelming moments, the anxiety attacks, the depressive episodes, and the unrelenting cloud of sadness stuck in my head - I have it good.

In fact, I have it great in so many ways - family, friends, job, furbabies, living abroad.

But fuck, it’s like I’m fighting with myself and my own brain feeling like it’s a battle I just can’t win every damn day. It’s exhausting and I’m just so tired.

I so wish I had a brain whose connections worked properly that didn’t fight against me and my unyielding desire for being ambitious, motivated and achieving anything I want and set my mind to in life - however I never anticipated my own self to be a barrier.

I hate being depressed - not just like for a day or a cause but diagnosed clinically major depressive disorder is to what I’m referring. Half the time I want to do something about it and the other half I literally, physically, can’t. You won’t understand unless you have it. But I can describe it - it’s hell. A living torture as you fight against yourself and some days you lose and others you just do your very best to get on with things.

And the most ridiculous part is that you don’t want anyone to see, anyone to know because despite it all - this just isn’t something people talk about. So you present like you’re fine. You act like you’re happy. Because honestly unless it’s your therapist or your doctor, there’s not a lot anyone else can do but just ride it out with you.

So alone it is. The mask comes off and suddenly the demons come out and you battle another day.